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May 21, 2024 Podcast

Navigating Dating After Divorce, with Relationship Coach Laurie Gerber

Gailor Hunt
Gailor Hunt
Navigating Dating After Divorce, with Relationship Coach Laurie Gerber
Jaime’s joined by life and relationship coach Laurie Gerber to explore the exciting, yet scary topic of dating post-divorce. From breaking free from past relationship patterns to rebuilding confidence and self-esteem, Laurie offers practical strategies to overcome common fears and challenges individuals face when re-entering the dating scene. Find out how to figure out whether you’re emotionally ready to date, effectively communicate past experiences and boundaries to new partners, and determine when it’s the right time to introduce a new dating partner to your child(ren).

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Note: Our Podcast, “Navigating Dating After Divorce, with Relationship Coach Laurie Gerber”, was created to be heard, but we provide text transcripts to make this information accessible to everyone. All transcripts on our website are created using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers and could contain errors.

Jaime Davis: Welcome to A Year and a Day. I’m Jaime Davis, board-certified family law attorney at Gaylor Hunt. On this show, I talk with lawyers, psychologists, and other experts with the goal of helping you navigate divorce without destruction. In this episode, I’m talking with Laurie Gerber, an expert in life and relationship coaching with over 20 years of experience coaching thousands of individuals and couples. Her career started when she engaged with a life coach and her life was changed from top to bottom. After a near-divorce experience of her own, Laurie knew she must use what she learned to help others. Thanks for joining me, Laurie. I’m excited to talk with you about dating after a divorce.

Laurie Gerber: Yeah, great to be here. Thanks for having me.

Jaime Davis: So I am going to dive right in. What would you say are some common challenges or fears individuals face when reentering the dating scene after a divorce?

Laurie Gerber: Yeah. Number one, I don’t want to make the same mistake again. I don’t trust myself this time to not do the same thing again. Whereas you’d think you really learned your lesson after going through a divorce. Many people know they may not have learned their lesson. And the second thing is it’s kind of like being underground or in a time capsule. You come out of a divorce after 5, 10, 20, 30 years, and everything has changed. And you might have some significant fear about, well, how is it done now? Someone recently just said to me, where’s the handbook? Is anyone giving it out? Because everything has changed due to technology, number one, and number two, just the dynamics between men and women. So. How would anybody really know how to do it if they haven’t been? Out there in a bunch of years. So there’s fear there too.

Jaime Davis: Do people ever have a fear like that they have a type and they might pick the same person that was just like their ex?

Laurie Gerber: I don’t think it’s just a fear. I think it’s a fact that people generally have a type. And I think the fear is probably that you can’t change your type. A lot of people think a type is predestined. I used to personally believe I didn’t like mornings. I didn’t like healthy food. I didn’t like exercising. There are many opinions I had about my own preferences that I was very happy to find out were not.

Jaime Davis: Truth.

Laurie Gerber: We’re not undeniable truth. They could be changed. And that’s what I teach my clients, is you can change your type. If you are attracted to something that is not good for you, like I was attracted to unhealthy food and sugar, you can actually change what you’re attracted to. Which is great news for a lot of people.

Jaime Davis: So how do you do that? How do you change your type if you’ve been attracted to the same type of person for 10, 20, 30 plus years?

Laurie Gerber: How do you change your type? Okay. It actually has a lot of similarities to changing your relationship to exercise or food. In the sense that it’s mental and physical and probably spiritual too. So I think that the first thing you have to do is deeply understand how you got the type you got. Right? Like I came to deeply understand how my entire lineage relates to sugar. And it is no surprise given my lineage and given how I was raised that I think sugar is love. I think sugar is, it is almost a replacement for love actually. So if you deeply understand why you choose what you choose based on how your parents’ relationships were, how their parents’ relationships were, and how each of your… Seminal relationship stories played out, you will understand that you are unconsciously following a pattern that if you chose consciously, you could change it. So I think understanding your patterns vis-a-vis your lineage and your history is super important to be able to change your type. But the second, so you can then logically go, oh, I see what I’ve been doing. I can choose something different. Then you have to actually practice. Like my coach was like, let me show you these five meals that taste delicious. Let me show you what happens to vegetables. If you roast them, let me show you what happens once the sugar’s out of your system. Let me show you all of this. And then suddenly I had very practical experience. Oh, there’s a better way. Same thing with dating. Why don’t you try a nice guy? Why don’t you try, you know, why don’t you just do a few experiments to see if you really can’t possibly be attracted to somebody who’s kind. And so a mixture of understanding why you choose, would you choose making a real firm declaration to do something different? And being accountable about that. And then actually testing out the new theories with real humans. That is, that’s the package. That’s the, that’s the prescription for changing your type.

Jaime Davis: So how can someone rebuild their confidence and self-esteem after a divorce, especially in the context of dating?

Laurie Gerber: It’s really divorce, as we know, is one of the most stressful, sometimes traumatizing things that people go through. And it’s not just because it’s the end of life as you know it. It’s because it also drives up so many other things. It drives up your relationship to your finances, your relationship to yourself, your relationship to your children, your career or your future involvement with your community, your friendships. It just drives everything up. It’s kind of like a wedding. It drives everything up. Everyone’s got an opinion. And there’s just so, so much to deal with. So oftentimes, I mean, let’s not forget, for some women, it is an incredible boon to their self-esteem. I’m sure you’ve experienced that where self-confidence and self-esteem rise because they’ve finally been true to themselves. They’ve finally gotten justice. They’ve finally gotten free. But for the people who take a beating or for whom the divorce underlines ways in which they have sold out on themselves or ways in which they have not been true to themselves. That is the moment to now go, okay, part of my healing is rebuilding my self-esteem based on my relationship to myself, not based on my children, not based on my partner, not based on my career, but my relationship to myself and maybe my higher power. So how do you start rebuilding that self-confidence is. You really do have to start to analyze every area of your life. Is this in alignment for me or not? Is this consistent with my ideals? And it means saying no and letting go of a lot of different things, possibly certain relationships, possibly certain activities, and then bringing in new relationships and activities that are more in alignment. And it’s one day at a time of practicing, does this action feel good? Does this not feel good? And again, for people who have lost themselves in their marriage and or with their children, it’s really like being born again. It’s really like a whole new world of, do I like eggs? Do I like breakfast at seven or eight? Do I like going for walks? Do I like pickleball? Do I like these people? Do I like this community? Do I like where I live? Everything has to be reconsidered. And the kind of coaching that I do always ask somebody to consider all of the aspects of their life again, because that’s just a profound, smart thing to do.

Jaime Davis: Yeah, I think that’s a great point. I mean, so many people, I think especially women, their identity is so wrapped up in that role of wife and mother that when that changes for them, it can be really hard to find themselves and get back out there. And I also think too, it depends on, were you the spouse that wanted the separation and the divorce, or were you the one who was blindsided and thought everything was just great, and one day your spouse is like, I don’t want to be married anymore. I think that can really play into it as well. .

Laurie Gerber: For sure. For sure.

Jaime Davis: So another biggie, how do you know that you’re emotionally ready to date after a divorce?

Laurie Gerber: It is not a simple answer how you know you’re ready. And I’m very quick to tell people. Ready is not better. The truth is better, but ready is not better. And you’ll be ready when you’re ready. And you’ll probably know it. I talk about something called the click. That there is a moment where a person stops being the victim of their past or their upbringing. And they start being the author. They start going, oh. It was me who got myself into all this, then. I guess it’s me who can get myself out of it. Slash me feeling like the victim or feeling like this has happened to me or been done to me does not align with my spiritual beliefs, does not align with my desire to do better for myself, does not align with my sense of empowerment. So they leave that behind. And that’s a moment of readiness. That you can tell someone’s had because of the way they then start to talk about themselves and their past. They start to talk about their past as something they’ve learned from. They start to talk about. Their own role in whatever’s happened instead of telling the story as victims. So I think that’s one very big piece of readiness. But I also think readiness means you believe in love. You believe love is possible for you. And you have a certain… Framework instead of tools for dating that’s going to ensure you don’t get completely exhausted. So It’s many, many different factors. I actually have a very quick, you know, three minute quiz people can take with about 24 questions about readiness. And it really does range everything from, you know, do you understand your mother’s mistakes in love all the way to. You know, do you know how to say no if you don’t want to have the next date with someone? You know, like from the very deep to the very mundane stuff that stops people. From feeling ready.

Jaime Davis: Yeah, I always caution folks, too, that if you are in the middle of a lawsuit and a lot of your legal issues haven’t been resolved yet, it may not be the best time to start dating. Just because, let’s say you find somebody you really like. Do you want to involve them in this nasty litigation and have them potentially have to be a witness in your case? I mean, probably not, right?

Laurie Gerber: I’m very clear on this. If you are looking for your soulmate, You are not going to find them. When you’re still married. And I feel that’s a very controversial thing to say. I’m sure there are exceptions. But that proves the rule, in my opinion. Your soulmate is looking for a single person. An available person. Your soulmate is not looking for a married person. So if you are looking for your soulmate, you need to be unmarried. You need to be available and single. And That doesn’t mean you can’t date while you’re separated or while you’re in the process of a divorce. I’m not saying don’t have your fun. I’m not saying don’t get your groove back. I’m not saying don’t go learn. But that is different from finding your soulmate. It is not a good idea to attract a human who would choose you in the middle of your drama versus a human that would choose you when you’re truly single and available. That’s going to be the better human.

Jaime Davis: Right. And, you know, you’re going to be a different you when you’re in the middle of all that drama than when you’re finished with it.

Laurie Gerber: Totally. Right. And what we’re, what I’m really. Promoting and encouraging is never needing to get married again. You may want to get married again. You may want to be in love again. You may want to find your soulmate. But what you’re proving with your divorce is that you do not need. The person. You can be fine on your own. And that is the kind of human that, again, that attracts another high caliber human who also doesn’t need somebody else, but wants somebody else and is enhanced by the partnership. And that’s the healthiest, most stable kind of coupledom. And so that’s what I’m really cheering everyone on for. So if you’re deeply… You know, deeply distressed. And you’re like, well, if I could just find someone to distract me or make me feel better, again, fine for a temporary thing. But that’s not the kind of model you want to build. You’re one and only on. That’s not, that’s not a good way to start.

Jaime Davis: Yeah, I love that. I mean, your relationship should, like you said, enhance your identity, not be your identity.

Laurie Gerber: It’s better, better results come from that model. And again, we are just, it’s only 2024 right now when we’re recording this. Really, it’s only been… 50 to 75 years that women and men have become more equal financially and in the world. And in terms of even, I mean, we got the vote in what was it? 1919. Like it just, we’re just like such babies and even being able to consider a relationship where no one needs each other. I mean, now we can get sperm. Now we can support ourselves financially and we can hire people to, you know, you can task rabbit somebody to be at your house to fix something. There is such a different dynamic between men and women. And it’s like two seconds old, right? It just it’s nobody’s caught up with it mentally. What’s now possible. And we all really have to shift gears because we’re not going back. It’s not going backwards to that time. But our parents really did grow up in that time. So wherever we got our education from and our advice from is really, really outdated.

Jaime Davis: So what about the red flags? Are there any specific red flags to watch out for when dating after divorce?

Laurie Gerber: I think the biggest red flag after divorce is you’re not ready or they’re not ready. And that’s a very understandable phenomena to run into. You do have to, I would prefer you take my quiz and get a 90 or above. You know, that’s a very simple way to go. Am I ready? And have them take the quiz and see if they’re ready. But barring that you’re going to use that tool. A human being will show you whether they’re ready or not. They will show you by how much time they spend with you, how much attention they give to you, how willing they are to continue to move down the path that dating generally goes through. But again, the danger is that you’re lonely or you’re needy. And so you accept something like a snack, you know, like a Snickers, you know, when you accept something that isn’t what you actually want. You want the wholesome meal with the salad and the soup, but you accept the sugary snack. You are temporarily relieved, but in an hour you’re starving and you’re undernourished and you really didn’t get what you needed. So that’s the real danger. In ignoring red flags about someone who’s going to be really healthy for you long term. So healthy for you long term means you’re really available, they’re really available, and your lives match. Your positives match and your negatives match. Your head, your heart, and your hoo-ha match, right? The practicality, the feelings, and the attraction. And anything that’s not that is a red flag in my book.

Jaime Davis: So practically speaking, how do these red flags typically manifest themselves? Like what sorts of behavior should you be on the lookout for?

Laurie Gerber: I mean, red flags come in all shapes and sizes. But really, what I have learned from coaching women for 20 years is they know, right? It’s never once there’s a breakup. If you really ask the right questions. The woman always knows. They have the warnings, right? Like that, that first dick pic, for example, or the first time that person’s sending you sexual innuendos or talking about getting into bed with you before they’ve even met your children or satisfied, you know, or met you in person even, right? So there’s all kinds of red flags and people aren’t that good at hiding stuff. So people will slip it into their texts. They’ll slip it into conversation. And your job is to just trust yourself that if you hear something, write like that that deserves a further conversation it doesn’t mean you write the person off automatically but it means you you have the conversation and I always insist that my daters have a video chat before they meet anyone in person I mean that is the biggest way to turn up red flags because anybody who’s hiding stuff doesn’t really want to be serious, doesn’t really want to get to know you, will not do a video chat, first of all. And second of all, you get a video chat, it’s much harder to hide baldness, shortness, living at home with a woman or a parent, crazy animals or children. You know, like all kinds of things become that much harder to hide once you’ve, first of all, asked someone to video chat with you and make that effort. And also once you literally see someone on video chat. And you get to find out if you have chemistry and rapport. So that’s a great vetting tool to weed out people who basically have deal breakers where your must haves are, right? Whatever your must haves are for the relationship. If they don’t have them. You know, that’s more than a red flag and means abort the mission right there. You don’t want to exhaust yourself. You don’t want to start to get hopeless. You need to move through your options as quickly as possible.

Jaime Davis: How can someone effectively communicate their past relationship experiences and, you know, the boundaries that come along with those to a new partner?

Laurie Gerber: So I think the best way. To communicate about past relationships is once you have gotten yourself resolved about it and how you know you’re resolved about it is again, you’re talking about it maturely. You’re not blaming yourself or the other person. You are not exaggerating. You’re not adding drama. You’ve come up with your, let’s call it an elevator pitch for what happened. We grew apart. We no longer wanted the same things. We stopped having sex with each other, and we couldn’t get the spark back. You know, we met when we were really young. We had a lot in common. Then after a while and raising kids together, we no longer had things in common enough to keep us together. There was an infidelity. It broke my heart. I couldn’t get over it. And so I had to move on. Whatever, like notice that’s about four sentences in each example. So a four sentence, that doesn’t mean you can’t go deeper or answer questions, but you need to be in a place where with a straight face and no tears, you can give the four sentence summary that holds up in court and is honest, but isn’t, you know, telling every single detail. And then you would expect the same, right? Because most people who are dating midlife are gonna have a story to tell, at least one. You’d actually hope they have a story to tell and you’d hope they have learnings from it that make them a better partner moving forward and you would have your learnings. That make you a better partner moving forward. And then in terms of, you mentioned boundaries, you know, that’s the kind of explanation that would come next, right? So, you know, the way they treated my child just became unacceptable. I just knew for my child’s sake, I needed to end it. And for that reason, you know, they have a restraining order or for that reason, they’re, you know, we really don’t have a lot of contact anymore. I’d be happy to answer any questions. Well, what did they do? They did blah, blah, blah, right? So it’s, again, if you trust someone, if you like someone, if you’re attracted to someone and vice versa, it’s much easier to start talking about this stuff. If you don’t feel comfortable, you don’t trust the person, you don’t want to continue with the person. It’s none of their business. And you don’t owe them any details about anything.

Jaime Davis: Well, and at first, is it more about being able to be factual with the new partner and sort of describe these events without the emotion being attached to it? Is that part of it?

Laurie Gerber: I think, again, you’re not just trying to see if the person is right for you. You’re trying to see if you’re right for them. So if you’re still got kids at home or you’re still dealing with children who are traumatized by your divorce or you’re still in the middle of a divorce or your finances have been massively impacted or you’re going to need to move somewhere because of custody or whatever. Then yeah, that person should know exactly what they’re dealing with. So they can, you don’t want to fall in love with someone. With whom your life cannot mesh well. So yes, you want to give facts and you want to also demonstrate your level of healthiness around it because that makes you more attractive.

Jaime Davis: So let’s talk about kids a little bit. Can you share tips for navigating co-parenting responsibilities while you’re dating following your divorce?

Laurie Gerber: Okay, so obviously the beauty is that the law is involved in divorces. Right. So when you two have decided you no longer can agree and navigate certain agreements about how to do life together, the law graciously steps in and helps you sort out what’s fair. Right. It helps you sort out what’s fair, which I think is, you know, thank goodness. Right. And not true in all places on Earth. So. I really encourage my clients to rely upon the law as your backstop, as your kind of basic integrity level set. There are certain things that are required by law. Certain financial things, certain… Custody, visitation, contact. All of that stuff, right, hopefully has been agreed upon by the two people and then backed up by a written legal agreement that is enforceable. That’s the dream right now. How do we help somebody? Adhere to that or encourage someone else to adhere to that when they don’t want to, right? So again, I’m always on my client’s call to be in connection with their lawyer, to be collaborating with their lawyer, to be using their lawyer, to not keep information from their lawyer, to make sure that their lawyer can be the advocate for what’s best for the child. And best for honoring the agreements that have been made. Am I answering your question? I just want to check.

Jaime Davis: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think one of the hardest things for clients who are super excited about a new relationship is not jumping the gun and introducing the new dating partner to the kids because, you know, that’s a huge no-no.

Laurie Gerber: I mean, it’s a mess. First of all, I don’t think you should introduce… A young child to a new partner. Basically forever, like at least seven months. I wouldn’t, an older child could go sooner, but if you’re not divorced yet. What are you doing? Right? Like that’s not your person. That’s not a long-term mate. That’s your getting your groove back, your entertainment, your solace, your cool. Keep it away from your kids. You have enough, they have enough to deal with and you have enough to deal with, with the divorce. So I highly encourage my clients who are recently. In the process of getting divorced, but not yet divorced, to… To stay focused on getting the divorce. Stay focused on rebuilding your self-esteem. Figure out who your real friends are. Figure out what your real career is or your real activities are. And get right with your kids, right? Be pouring your heart and soul and love and attention into your kids because this is really hard for them. And then dating if you’re bored. If after all of that you have free time, then you date, but you date for fun and learning. You do not date to find your person because that’s not going to be your person in the middle of that situation. So I’m completely on board with you there. And then. I’d say introduce to children extremely slowly and sparingly and only when the child is ready. Your child does not owe you approval of your new mate. And that’s a lot of pressure to put on a child. And the children who are pleasers will do it for you at their own expense. And the children who are rebels will ruin it for you. Right. Leave them out of it. Leave them out of it as long as you possibly can. It’s okay to want it. For yourself, but do not. Need everyone to get on board right away. It’s a big transition. So I say you wait as long as possible to introduce. When the child is ready, oh, I’m curious. I want to know. And again, If this person is truly good for you, proven over seven months, The human is good for you, the new date. And your children are getting the love and attention and resolution they need from the divorce. Then and only then. Is it now a good idea to introduce? This person. And this person will then probably be well liked as long as you are a happy, better person. And they are still getting what they need. So that’s your best chance of success all the way around. And all you have to do is sacrifice a little bit of convenience. While you’re going through the divorce. That’s my pitch.

Jaime Davis: Yeah, no, I totally agree. I mean, the two just need to be completely separate for a long time until you’re sure it’s your person, until your kids have recovered from the separation and are stable. I mean, it’s just a really bad idea to mix. Dating with your children, period.

Laurie Gerber: Yeah. I’m sure you’ve seen it a million times and the, and what can go wrong. And it’s, it is hard, right? I’m sure many people feel like, oh, I deserve. To have sex again or be desired again or have fun again or… You know, I deserve this. And you do. You just really have to keep it. Separate.

Jaime Davis: Absolutely. Are there any misconceptions that you’ve run into in your experience about dating after divorce?

Laurie Gerber: I mean, I think there’s a big misconception that dating is hard. I hear it all the time. It’s hard. These dating sites are awful. They’re full of terrible people. They’re full of con artists. They’re, you know, they’re full of danger. And it just takes so much. And, you know. I hear a lot of that. And I don’t know if that’s so much a misconception as a bad theory, you know, or a set of bad theories that we seek to prove true and thus we do. I highly encourage my daters to come up with a list of good theories and prove those true instead. As you know, we can collect evidence for any case.

Jaime Davis: Right.

Laurie Gerber: So, yeah, maybe be a lawyer for your dream instead of being a lawyer for your negative thoughts. So. It is a misconception that the dating sites are awful and everyone’s lying. Many people are lying. There are many sick and unpleasant people on dating sites, but there are also many healthy people and wonderful people. So. You really do have to be careful what you buy into and what you believe. And you should be very skeptical about what you are buying into and believing. Because if it’s not in service of your dream and your ultimate desire, it’s not going to serve you. So you might as well stop collecting evidence for that. So, again, when I find people on the dating sites exhausting themselves and just going out with any random person and then getting disappointed and upset, I say just stop. You know, just really. Really. Just if you’re going to have a bad attitude and you’re going to believe all these misconceptions and prove them true, just get on the bench. Sit on the bench. Watch the game. Cool off, like reset your mind, take ownership of the bad crap you’ve been proving, and then we’ll get back into it again once you’ve had that click, right? Once you’ve had the click into, oh, it’s me, it’s my attitude, there are plenty of fish in the sea, I do need to do the work, but it’s a pleasure to do the work. So the conception I want people to have is it’s a pleasure to do the work. It’s called meeting new people. When you were a kid, you did it naturally and you loved it. What’s so wrong that you have to do it again? It’s not the worst thing in the world to have to do. You’re not going to some awful job every day. You’re going shopping for humans. And shopping’s kind of fun if you have the right attitude. If you hate shopping, shopping’s awful. But if you do it right and you have someone shopping with you and you go to the right store and you’re discerning about what you bring to the dressing room, shopping can actually be quite fun.

Jaime Davis: Yeah, I was going to say, it sounds like you just need to learn to be a little selective and to not just… You know, say yes to everyone who shows some interest.

Laurie Gerber: A hundred percent. I mean, that’s just very basic, good coaching. We, we call it the three H method where you assess the head, the heart and the hoo-ha. So you have to assess the practical aspects of joining a life with a new person. You have to assess how it feels and you have to assess the attraction. And most people sell out on one or more of those. And then they live to regret it and they knew all along, but they just thought they could fix it or it would get better. Or they were just la la la, you know. And then, yeah, and then you do kick yourself for just accepting the thing you accepted. And a lot of people did that in marriages in order to have the family because they were in a rush and they wanted to have a family and they wanted to. Fit in in the community or do the thing. And cool, you got that. But then you don’t actually have that pressure now. And so you don’t have to do that again. You don’t have to just take whatever comes that meets two out of three of those criteria. You can hold out for all three.

Jaime Davis: That’s great advice. What strategies do you recommend for managing expectations when dating after divorce?

Laurie Gerber: Do you mean expectations? Of how other humans are going to behave in the dating world.

Jaime Davis: I think just like what to expect. Like, let’s say that you’re finally ready. You put yourself out there. This is new to you. You’re trying online dating. You’re not real sure. Like, how do you manage those expectations?

Laurie Gerber: Okay, that’s great. I mean, you… There’s a danger in asking your friends, right? Because if your friends have a bad attitude, it’s just like asking your friends about pregnancy and childbirth, right? You’re going to hear all the crazy stories. Of everyone’s trauma, drama, you know, and they’re going to want to tell them to you with no regard for how that story will impact you. So, I mean, I literally run group coaching for daters so that I can curate what everybody’s hearing. So that the cautionary tales people have are very helpful for the other women, but also the stories of inspiration are very helpful for the other women. So I want you to expose yourself to inspirational stories and cautionary tales. But. Essentially, I think the big sort of like, before you go out there, be aware. It’s going to take work. It is going to take work, even if you’ve had the click, which is really important readiness. It’s going to take work like anything you’d be impressed by, like finding the job of your dreams or the home of your dreams or the dress of your dreams. It’s earnest, honest work. And so do not be surprised it takes work. Do not resent that it takes work. Settle into this is a project. It’s a worthwhile project and it’s a project that pays off. And if you do it well. It pays off even better. So expect that it’s going to take work a half an hour to an hour a day on sites, for example, or the equivalent in real life meeting new people. You’re going to want to save a night or two a week for dates. You’re going to want to have a nice cozy. Place with a good background and good lighting to have your video calls. And you’re going to want to have team support. So if you can’t have a coach or group coaching or a therapist cheering you on. You’re going to want to have a buddy. A friend who’s going to encourage you, not discourage you. Because I say dating is a team sport. Like, don’t do it alone. Like doing a divorce alone. Don’t do it alone. That would be crazy. Okay. So those are some of the strategies. And then I have a million tactics, right? That is just the tip of the iceberg on tactics of dating. But that’s broad strokes strategy to set your expectation. Oh, also expect that of the people you encounter, only a very small percentage is going to be something you bring to the dressing room to try on. Only a very small percentage is going to get to a video chat, is going to get to a real date. Is gonna be your one. So it’s a funnel, just like anything else. That you need to choose. It’s a funnel and you should expect. That that means you have to be facile with saying no thank you and facile when someone says no thank you to you. Or ghosts you. You got to be able to get right back up and go, oh, not my person, not my person.

Jaime Davis: If you could only give one piece of advice to someone who is entering the dating world following a divorce, what would it be?

Laurie Gerber: I think… Actually, my best piece of advice if you’re entering the dating. Yield again is have some form of accountability. Don’t do it alone. I’m sure if you pick someone who wasn’t right for you, either you ignored the advice of your friends or your friends were too chicken to tell you, or you didn’t have any oversight. And so you let your head, your heart, or your hoo-ha rule out over the others. You let one voice or two voices talk louder than the other and overrule it with no accountability, with no supervision. So if you really want the safety of not making the same mistake again, get the supervision. Tell all your friends what you learned. Get a coach or a therapist or a coaching group. And just protect yourself against that. So then you’ll make new mistakes if you’re going to make mistakes, but you won’t make the same mistake again.

Jaime Davis: Great advice. It sounds like you’re back to your dating buddy. You need at least one, right?

Laurie Gerber: At least one dating buddy. Don’t do it alone, right? It’s like eating alone, right? You know how much you eat alone versus if someone’s watching you. It’s a whole, I don’t know about you, but. It’s very different for me. Yeah, absolutely. Someone watching me, right? How I treat my husband when someone’s watching versus nobody’s watching. It’s embarrassing, but we are creatures that have a certain amount of pride. And we are better behaved if somebody is supporting slash watching.

Jaime Davis: Very true very true well thank you Laurie for joining us.

Laurie Gerber: It was my pleasure thanks for these great questions.

Jaime Davis: Thank you for listening. If you like this episode, be sure to follow the show wherever you get your podcasts so you don’t miss the next one. While the information presented is intended to provide you with general information to navigate divorce without destruction, this podcast is not legal advice. This information is specific to the law in North Carolina. If you have any questions before taking action, consult an attorney who is licensed in your state. If you are in need of assistance in North Carolina, you can contact us at Gaylor Hunt by visiting I’m Jaime Davis, and I’ll talk with you next time on A Year and a Day.

gailor hunt attorney
A Year and a Day: Divorce Without Destruction' is a law podcast produced by Gailor Hunt Davis Taylor & Gibbs, PLLC partner Jaime Davis. You can learn more about Jaime's experience and expertise on her bio page. If you have a question about the podcast, you can email Jaime at Please note, the purpose of this podcast is not to give legal advice. This podcast is for general, informational purposes only and should not be used as legal advice. The information discussed in this podcast is specific to the laws in North Carolina. Before you take any legal action you should consult with a lawyer who is licensed in your state.
Laurie Gerber
Laurie Gerber is an expert in the field of life and relationship coaching with over 20 years of experience coaching thousands of individuals and couples. Her career started when she herself engaged with a life coach and her life, top to bottom, was changed. After a “near divorce” experience of her own and using The Handel Method® to rebuild her relationship, she knew she must use what she learned to help others.

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